My Diary

Diary Entry #1 – Day 1 – 7th September 2017 | No bad news…yet

No bad news…yet.

It’s 7th September and Mum has finally been to the doctors about her cough and illness. It’s currently looking like Bacterial Pneumonia that she’s been taking antibiotics for but to be safe, she was sent for a chest x-ray.

The chest x-ray results have comeback and they show a lesion on her lung. They said that they would refer her under the 2 week pathway and today we found out that she is going to have a CT scan on Friday, 15 September.

The lesion could well have five or six causers but obviously your head straightaway goes to cancer. Mum is an ex smoker but she gave up at least 10 years ago.

I am trying so hard to remain positive and to try and get these thoughts out of my head – that’s why I’m writing it down and I feel really selfish because I’m worrying so much because I might lose my Mum. I can’t imagine what Mum is going through. Well, I can in some way because I had a lump and a breast cancer scare, but this just feels so much more real.

I feel so selfish because I am worrying about how I’m going to cope, but if my Mum has lung cancer, how is my poor son going to cope if his beloved Nana has cancer? The survival rates for lung cancer are so poor compared to other cancers because when you finally get symptoms, it’s usually too late to cure and you’re just trying to prolong life.

I have always idolised my Mum. She has been my everything, all the way through my life. I have just put her on a pedestal and I love her so much.

I became ill in 2013 and she and Dad had to move in with me. Because of all of that and then the journey to me getting better, our relationship has changed. Again, I’m being selfish because I’m worried about the fact that my relationship isn’t where I want it to be but I want her to know that I adore her and I love her unconditionally. I want our relationship to go back to being a Mother / Daughter relationship without her being my carer or any tension.

My Mum has always been the healthy one in our family. My dad has a very bad back and has been ill for years with various things, I suddenly became very ill in my early 30s and my sisters neck and back are also bad. My mum has been the rock of our family and it would be the biggest p*** take that she would be the first one that gets taken. My Dad would be the first to admit that due to his numerous heart attacks and severe Chrons Disease that has required surgery, we all sort of presumed that he would be the first to die out of the two of them and so I sort of imagined that my mum would probably move in with my little boy and I when that happened.

Fingers crossed that we don’t have to face losing either of them for a long time yet.

Click here to read Diary Entry #2

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *